Will your parents apologize to you?
“Will your parents apologize to you?” was a trending topic on Weibo.The results were heartbreaking.Only one in five parents apologized to their children.”An apology?Hahaha Behind the mockery, there was a sadness: “No matter what grievances I suffered, my parents never apologized.”We’ve always thought that the three most difficult words for Chinese parents are “I love you”.The harder one, it seems, may be “sorry”.Why is it so hard for Chinese parents to admit their mistakes to their children?In the TV series “Little Joy”, dong Wenjie is once advised by the fangyuan: “Say sorry to the child, apologize, the matter is over.”Dong wenjie said, “I can’t say.”Still went, stood for a long time, the opening is a: “know oneself wrong?”Some people say that even if apologizing, the child should first admit: “I was wrong, everywhere wrong.”This is actually the robber logic of parents.Because you’re a child. Of course you’re wrong.Because I gave birth to you, raised you, and I’ll never be wrong.It sounds ridiculous, but it’s actually happening all around us, every day.Let’s begin by stripping away “parent” and “child” and talking about “apology” itself.The psychologist Guy Winch argues that a person who clearly has done something wrong but won’t apologize is protecting his vulnerable inner self.You might be thinking: when they refuse to apologize, they are so strong, how can they be vulnerable?In fact, they just use their seemingly strong exterior to ward off their inner weaknesses.Because such people often have trouble distinguishing between “action” and “person.”If I do something bad, I must be a bad person.If I’m wrong, it means I’m ignorant and stupid once they admit their mistake: they don’t have a healthy sense of guilt about their actions because “I did wrong”;Instead, he felt that “the whole me was wrong” and developed a strong sense of shame about himself.Shame makes a person aware of their own disintegration, like an internal earthquake.As a result, they try to avoid apologizing and regain a sense of power through “anger, avoidance and alienation.”It is harder for such people to admit their mistakes than to go to heaven.This is especially true in situations of power blessing, such as parents apologizing to their children.In addition, our culture emphasizes “filial piety”.Many parents expect their children to be filial to them and believe that their children must be obedient.If children turn around and blame themselves for doing wrong, doesn’t that undermine “authority”?So I would deny it like hell: “When did it happen and I don’t remember?””I’ve raised you and you’re already great. What more do you want?””Children are to scold to control, you are good now, is because I control strict.”…This parent tends to wear a mask of anger, alienation and indifference to make himself seem strong and stable.Displaying emotions such as “sadness, guilt and shame” is considered not only a sign of cowardice, but also a sign of total control and danger.They often find it difficult to put their heads down and may even intensify the blame between guilt, anger and grievance.But as children, we couldn’t help feeling disappointed and sad.Now, what do we do?Our parents are willing to apologize, we feel comforted, which is good;Parents don’t want to apologize.They’re sad, but they can take it.Because what really matters is being able to stand up for your weak past self: you hurt me, I’m angry, I’m hurt.At this time, we really distinguish: in the original family pain, parents and ourselves should take their own responsibility.However, being exempt from responsibility in childhood does not mean being exempt from all responsibility in adulthood.For example, be independent of your parents and don’t let them control your life.Find appropriate ways to heal childhood trauma, such as reading psychology books, seeking counseling, etc.In returning parental responsibilities to parents, they are also taking on adult responsibilities.When we can do that for ourselves, we can slowly regain confidence and strength.When you get along better with your parents, it’s not reconciliation;The real reconciliation is that we can break away from our native families and live a better life for ourselves.Finally, I would like to share a line from your novel, when you fly like a bird to your mountain: The past is a ghost, ethereal, with little impact.Only the future matters.May we all live the lives we want.Plus: When our new generation is about to or has just assumed the role of parent, we can avoid repeating the mindset of the previous generation and heal ourselves with a different identity.Ms. Steiner, the American educator, said, “A parent who is willing to admit mistakes and explore new conversation points is much more likable than one who is stubborn and bossy.”If parents make mistakes, they will honestly apologize to their children.This will not be looked down upon by the children, but will make the children feel seen and understood and closer to their parents.Parents’ attitude determines their children’s attitude towards the world.Love our children well.When you accidentally hurt a child, please bend down, look the child in the eye and say to him: “I’m sorry.”Don’t wait until “I’m sorry” is past its sell-by date.Don’t wait until our children are completely disappointed with us before they realize we are wrong.